Having kids is great. There is nothing in the world that compares to the absolute purity and intensity of love that you feel for your little ones. An overwhelming, all encompassing and never ending love.
There is also nothing in the world that compares to the absolute purity and intensity of frustration you feel because of your little ones. An overwhelming, all encompassing and never ending frustration.
We are coming to the end of the summer holidays and the last week we’ve all been in isolation because I got covid. The worst luck as I go nowhere apart from the park.
Anyway it’s been a pressure pot in this house and this is what I’ve come to realise about the little people in this house.
There is no such thing as coming to find you to ask for something.
Shouting and screeching is the only way. Whether it be they want a snack, to go to the toilet, a crayon broke or threat of imminent death, all communications are ear thundering screams and yells throughout the house.
There is no such thing as walking.
I’ll be in the toilet and the floors and walls will shake, there will be very loud thuds. Is it an earthquake? Has a lorry crashed into my living room? No my 5 year old is on his way to his bedroom with all the grace of a drunk elephant.
There is no such thing as a cloth or napkin.
Eating some ice cream and it’s all over your mouth? Not to worry, this gorgeous top I’m wearing, purchased by muggins over there will do a great job.
Greasy hands from cheese on toast? You know the best solution for that? This really handy sofa I’m sitting on will soak that up a treat.
Got a cold? Runny nose? No problemo, mummy’s dress is at perfect nose wiping height, just casually stroll past and give it a cheeky smear as you pass.
Sauce on your hands from insisting on picking up your dinner with your hands despite the constant reminder to use the cutlery your provided with? Marvellous, this seat cushion I’m sitting on or under the table top are all fabulous locations to wipe it away.
And if a lovely soft cloth is provided for wiping those grubby hands and faces? Ah yes, suddenly everyone is a window cleaner or floor washer!
There is no such thing as being full
(unless it’s an actual meal of course!)
5am “I’m hungry”
The last mouthful of breakfast “I’m hungry”
Every half hour from 9-5 “I’m hungry”
6 mouthfuls into dinner “I can’t eat anymore mummy, my tummy is full”
2 minutes after dinner “can I have dessert?” (Uh No)
Bedtime “I’m hungry”
There is no such thing as a bin.
Snack wrappers on the table, the sofa, on any side, sometimes blatantly dashed on the floor. Even Si is at it. Go to do the laundry and every conceivable pocket has a wrapper or tissue even that weird tiny pocket within a pocket in jeans.
Banana skins, orange peel and apple cores left to decompose.
Don’t get me started when people have colds….the whole house becomes a graveyard of tissues scrunched into balls. Kids liberally graze it past their nose then scrunch it up before starting on the next one.
Sometimes they take pity upon me and my constant cleaning up after them. I’ll be in another room, likely cleaning up some other crap of theirs.
I said MUM MEEEEEEEEEEEE”
I’ll come running in expecting to be greeted with some horror only to be met by them sat casual on the sofa, arm outstretched with a food wrapper. Taking the absolute piss!
There is no such thing as personal space.
I don’t just wake up to the loving face of my little cherubs, I wake up to a full body slam of a 3 year old on my chest like a professional wrestler.
I can spend all day with my kids but the moment my butt touches the toilet seat those little cretins will be banging on the door needing all the things with utmost urgency.
If they want me to see something up comes two grubby little mitts, cupping my face and forcing it to look at whatever mundane thing that has their attention.
And if I sit or lay on the floor I better be prepared to have both kids clambering over my head and back like a car in a safari park.
There is no such thing as mild discomfort
For my kids it’s either completely fine or screaming like you are being mauled by wolves. They will be playing away and someone will fall over, they either jump up totally unfazed or a wail so loud will erupt from their tiny little mouth that it sounds like medieval torture devices are in use.
I’ve had people come out of shops and restaurants to investigate the deafening roars of my kid, expecting to be met with a bloodbath only to discover my child has a nose bleed.
I fear the day my son breaks a limb because the universe will know about it.
Sometimes I worry my neighbours may call social services because it sounds like something terrible is happening every time anyone hurts themselves.
There is no such thing as a surprise
Don’t make the mistake of telling your child under 5 about any surprise for anyone. They will be all giggly and smiling and acting obviously suspicious. If it’s a gift my kids have been known to hand them over to the birthday person and say “happy birthday, here is your present, it’s a car!”
If you have a surprise for them it’s even worse. I’ve learnt under no circumstances do I tell them because I will be met with a constant stream of questioning “is it now?…. how long left?……is it time yet?….how much longer?” Etc
My son has even been known to cry when I’ve said where we are going is a surprise. “What if we get there and the surprise is boring?” Through sobs.
Life with under 5s is fabulous fun but it is also the most stressful thing to deal with.
What is there no such thing as in your family?