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So Roo turned two last week. My little bubba is growing up so fast that weird place between feeling like they have been here forever and also that the time is flying by at alarming speed.

In the days leading up to it, I found myself reflecting back to when Ravey was this age. I was pregnant with Roo, and two months later, I stopped breastfeeding him. I was heavily pregnant and didn’t feel I could manage feeding both. It makes me feel sad because I just don’t see Roo stopping anytime soon, and then I feel guilty. Is it fair to continue with her when I didn’t with her brother? She seems so much younger than I remember him being, but the reality was he wasn’t.

Recently I was scrolling through my EXTENSIVE phone gallery and found some old videos of Ravey at that time. He looked so small and his voice was so different. A different child. I felt a pang in my heart that I had forgotten the sound of him.

A few evenings when Si was doing bedtime with Ravey and I would be sat in the living room feeding Roo. I would look at her and feel a little crush in my chest knowing that she isn’t a baby anymore. And that I will not have another experience of that.

We have already decided we don’t want anymore children, but there is still a part of me that feels a panic at not getting that baby stage back. Maybe a part of me will always long for that.

Do parents ever know for sure they definitely don’t want more? I don’t think I could handle another pregnancy. Bloody hated it last time. It sucked balls. So much so I listed all my maternity clothes on ebay the day after we came home.

Kids growing up is weird. Its so exciting each stage and magical in what it brings. You never want that bit to end. You hold it close to your heart while it lasts. As time passes you seamlessly navigate new stages that enthral and delight, however, at times you find yourself recalling those times past with both fondness and the ache of loss. All mixed up. At 4 and 2 these feelings with my kids are strong. I adore all that they are now, never taking away from the love I have feel for all that they have been and all they once were. I wonder how it is when they are grown up? Do you miss each part of their life. The baby, the toddler, the school age child and the teen?

I spoke to Si about it and he felt similarly but that it was a nice time, but he enjoys where the kids are at now. It seemed for him missing or pining any amount after a stage in the past somehow takes away from the love you can have for them in the present. So different to how I see things. For me they co-exist, almost like separate people.

This got me thinking, after I saw a news story in which a man was being interviewed about the death of his son from coronavirus. It showed a man, in his 60s or 70s holding a picture of a small child whilst weeping. For a moment I thought a child had died and it soon became clear that the victim had been in his 40s. It dawned on me that for this man he is mourning the loss of his adult son, but also the loss of his toddler son, all those many ago years, who still co-exists as a memory. When he thinks of his son and his love for him his heart still sees him in part as the baby he once was.

Roo is at an amazing age, she is so full of joy for everything and her rate of learning is so rapid she astonishes me day by day at her ability to do things. You can spend forever watching her at play. Having just developed the ability to really engage in solitary play she will play with the dolls and doll house narrating all the members of the family. So sweet.

She gives the absolute best hugs. She runs at you and squeezes you tight. She plasters loads of tiny little kisses all over your face and she says such funny things. Her voice is an echo of Ravey’s at that age I know remember.

The beauty in the children’s relationship is sometimes too much and I feel like I want to burst. They are adorable.

Poor Roo, her 2nd birthday during lockdown. No party guests or trips out. But we did have a little family party with balloons, games and food and 2 zoom party calls to both sides of the family which was weird but also so awesome we had that option for everyone to see each other and Roo after 3 months.

2 years old. Wow Roo! Only 1 more year until you will start preschool. 1 more year to make the most of this precious stage when I can spend all my time with you. Who knows what the future brings, or when you will stop breastfeeding, but for now I just want to be. As we are right now.

Just be with you my little girl.

Before this moment passes.

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