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I loved breastfeeding both of my kids and am a huge advocate for doing so for those able and whom wish to do so.

It’s great for baby, wonderful for bonding and has some serious health perks for you too.

But other than the early problems most parents hear about, like the cracked nipples (ouch!), difficulty latching (more ouch) and complications such as tongue tie and mastitis (serious ouchy) once all is established and feeding is going well, that’s where the conversation stops.

Until the weaning debate of course (that’s a BIG one I shall discuss another time!).

But why does nobody talk about the damn right weird and freaky shit that kids like to do when feeding?!

At first I thought maybe it was just my son who had some sadistic boobie tendencies, but then my daughter started doing all the same stuff. And I’m not alone, any mum I’ve spoken to who breastfed beyond 6 months experienced some of the same antics, and I don’t think they were just being kind to me so I didn’t realise my kids were big weirdos!

These things can really drive you nuts, they get under your skin and sometimes have made me really want to dash my child straight off my nipple across the room (full disclosure here, I promise I never actually did this but have definitely imagined doing it on many occasions!).

Which is why it’s important to have a good laugh about how weird and annoying it is!

So dear breastfeeder, let’s see if you recognise any of these….

Operation Hostage Nipple

After ages feeding and patiently waiting for your little one to finish feeding and drift into the land of nod in full milk coma, they finally fall asleep.

They are no longer feeding and are clearly asleep. You are thrilled, you fist bump silently to your partner and you make moves to put down the sleeping beauty and have some baby free time. Snack time whoop whoop!

But wait, what fresh hell is this? My nipple is in a vice made of baby gums!

You try that little finger unlatch trick to prise your nipple free, and you find yourself stretching your nipple, like bubble gum, trying desperately to free it from the grip of those gnashers.

It finally pops out, and you feel triumph, Ha! It is MY nipple and I have reclaimed it! But then the sleeping nipple munching zombie starts moving its head towards it again, mouth opening and closing like a pirana and quickly latches back on with super speed before you can get your boob back into the sanctity your clothing.

Then the feeding resumes with gusto and you are stuck there again for another 20 minutes waiting to repeat the whole process until you admit defeat and accept the nipple is no longer yours and the zombie baby has won. Dammit!

Pretence num num

Like the previous manoeuvre, this is an extension of operation hostage nipple, once babe discovers your attempts to remove your nipple from its grasp.

Your little one decides the only way to put an end to this nipple tug of war is to pretend to NEVER STOP FEEDING! This time when sleep commences, rather than deploying the clamp, baby develops a freaky vibrating bottom lip which imitates feeding. This is particularly weird when you manage to get your boob free without them waking and the num num motion continues sans nipple!

Kitten claw pin cushion

This skill develops early when baby is a matter of months old and decides to embody Kleins theory of the good and bad breast and wishes to punish your cleavage, or sometimes just one ‘bad breast’ by channelling their inner kitten.

Using their tiny baby nails that are impossible to cut in a way that does not resemble a shard of glass they pin cushion the shit out of you.

The end result is a breast and cleavage that resembles a Freddie Kruger victim.

360° cartwheel feed

Once your little one realises they can move and you can’t stop them, then feeding time becomes as good a time as any to get some exercise. Restful feeding has become mundane and the new gymnastics feeding programme is way more fun.

These moves are easy to pick up for even the most inexperienced and beginner gymnast. Latch on and circle body round the nipple creating a circle motion like a cartwheel. Spoiler alert: My breast and I are not fans !!!!

The downwards dog

Often the precursor to the cartwheel feed is the downward dog. Like its yoga move namesake, your little one walks up your torso getting his body into an L shape downward dog pose all with your poor mangled nipple still in its mouth.

Sadistic nipple pinch

GGahhhhhh personally think this one is the absolute worst. It is sooooo irritating, makes you uncomfortable and once they start doing it I personally wanted to ninja kick them off me.

Whilst little one is feeding they have a perverse obsession with looking at, holding and then pinching your other nipple, because, you know, one boob just isn’t enough!

And as we’ve discussed before, those little nails are like tiny little shards and this really does actually hurt.

Nipple vs the 5 senses

This one is just weird. My son used to do it and even continued to attempt some of these once I had stopped breastfeeding him.

This little number is where your nipple is introduced to the child’s other senses and facial orifices.

Sticking the nipple against their eye, often when they are very tired.

Shoving it in the ear (I can’t even speculate the purpose of this!?!).

And my fave, up the nose for a good sniff at the nostril. When I stopped BF Ravey he used to sniff my nipple really hard and say “Mmmmmm smells good” or to lick it. WTAF?!

And it goes on a while. I would wake in the night to him getting my boob out like some freak for a little eye or ear action.

The Multi-tasker

Yummmmm food good

Yummmmm milk good

Equals both in mouth together and a small miracle if you don’t get bitten.

The nipple U bend

Picture this. It’s night time and you are feeding laying down in bed. Your precious bundle of joy is latched on and feeding and you are asleep.

They decide they aren’t quite comfy enough laying facing you and decide to face the other way with their back to you, only they decide your nipple is going with them.

Your breast resembles a stocking after years of breastfeeding possibly more than one child and allows this bizarre u-bend manipulation momentarily before it pops out of their mouth and springs back to it normal resting position, that of a pop sock.

The headbanger

In glee and pure enjoyment your child sits facing your boob and mouth open proceeds to repetitively bang their head against it with their mouth open making an “ahhh ahhh ahhha ahhh ahhhh ahhh ahhh” noise which is continuously muted then continues each time their mouth makes contact with your breast.

You can see this is the most fun for them. They are basically taking the piss with your breast now.

It is no longer for nourishment and comfort alone. It is a blatant, in your face announcement that your child has full ownership of your body, that they are taking your titty for a ride and they think its hilarious!

Have you had any of these? Any freaky boob times I’ve missed? Maybe you have been spared such horror. Maybe you still have these fun times to come!?

Let me know in the comments!

Title image from Pixabay: Metropolitan Museum of Art New York
Statue of Yashoda with the infant Krishna

Stock photos from pixabay and unsplash.

Other images authors own.

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