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Today we find out your primary school for September.

Back before Christmas your daddy and I visited lots of schools to decide where we wanted you to go. It was a rush dropping you at preschool then dashing with your sister to get to the open mornings on time. For some reason they made them all at the same time as preschool drop off just to be difficult!

After months of waiting and not really thinking much about it the offer day has finally come and I suddenly feel an overwhelming feeling of anxiety and sadness.

Results for our borough aren’t released until after 5pm according to the website, yet I’ve found myself all day refreshing my emails and logging on to the app to check just in case.

I’m watching everything you do today and coming to the sad realisation that this is it. Its the countdown to you leaving the safe and loving bubble that is home, and entering into the school system. Its the beginning of the rest of your life. To the monotonous hum drum of the system of society. First school then work. 5 days a week.
Where more time is with them than with me.
Where the opinion of everyone else will start to matter. Where your view of the world, yourself and life will be shaped by the guidance and opinions of others.

It may have always hit me at this point, or maybe not, but being in lockdown magnifies this. Going from being at home together every day to going into full weeks at school will be a shock to us all. Where previously you were only at preschool 3 hours a day.

Today I find myself taking in and relishing everything you do. Hugging you just that little bit more often, for just that little bit longer. I find myself wanting to hold you and take in all that you are and the wonder of how you see the world.

Today you have asked daddy why we are sad and he has said that we are happy but also a little bit sad. That its “super exciting and nice to see you growing up to be a super cool dude but also sad at the same time”. I know daddy is feeling it too. Like me probably heightened by lockdown and working from home. He has been able to spend more time with us than ever.

Today I am finding myself blubbering about everything, tears in my eyes watching the Moomins, toy story and even watching the daily briefing from downing street.

Despite checking all day, at 5pm I find myself frozen not wanting to check my emails or look. I wait until daddy comes through at 5:20 and announces that he too found himself getting tearful at the press conference. Sat together we look and find that you got into our 3rd choice school. We hadn’t expected to get into the first 2 choices as we live a little too far for their tiny oversubscribed catchment. We are happy, but in a fleeting panic I recheck the Ofsted and website and freak out a little whether we put the schools in the right order.
I respond to all the messages enquiring from friends and family about where we got.

This is the realisation, the approaching and daunting reality that you are growing up. The 4 years flown by in a whirlwind. The steps so far slightly cushioned by having your little sister. A small distraction.

Of course I also know this is good. You are growing up and you will make friendships that could last a lifetime. You will discover new things and grow. I will be able to give your sister some of the 1:1 time I gave you when you were a baby. But I will miss you dearly. No doubt a blubbering mess at the school gates. I hope I can be strong for you and help you be confident to embrace it. After this time at home I am sure you will be scared too.

I am so lucky to have you, so happy to spend this time with you and so delighted by who you are. I am scared to let that go, sad to see it end, as well as excited for what the future holds for you.

Right now I just want to enjoy every moment, take in all that I can and give you as much love, enrichment and memories of our time together during this lockdown and before school starts. Hold you tight and fill you with resilience, strength and love for yourself.

My Ravey, my first born, my bubba.

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