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I’ve been here before.

Primary school offer day.

Last time it was with my eldest, the first time, my newborn and I was a nervous wreck leading up to it. 

The school visits, the conundrum of which to choose. The calculations of catchments and taking gambles on schools we just knew we would never get into, “just in case”. 

This time was different. There was no real question. You would go to the same school as your brother. Logistically there isn’t really a choice. 

We get priority so there was none of the tossing and turning the night before. None of the fear and unknown.

I felt I had escaped the emotional roller coaster of last time. I felt relieved of this, but also sad.

Sad that it might come and go without a thought. Sad that it didn’t really matter with you and this might take away from the process of realising the gravity of this day and what it means.

My bubba is growing up.

And the morning of offer day has come and I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach. It’s more subtle than the last time but it’s there.

It’s the daunting reality that THIS IS IT!

This is THE LAST TIME.

This is the countdown to the last time of having a child at home.

The last moments of sheltering you from the world.

The last months of our magical time together.

The last moments of your mind unscathed, untouched by the world outside.

The last baby.

What will it mean when you go to school?

I am no longer a mother of a young child.

I am no longer a stay at home mum.

My arms will be empty more of the day than not.

You will spend more time away from me, than by my side and all those years, all that time at home together is ending.

Where did all those years go?

You are no longer just ours.

Soon you will be wrapped in uniform, heading out into the school institution, your wonderful magical mind open and exposed to be moulded and changed. 

The words of others, and the tears of harsh ones.

Life’s battlefield of likes and dislikes, friends and foes.

You my precious one.

With bright eyes and kind heart. My littlest baby. My final birth.

I’m not ready for you

To change.

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