I had a bit of a moment last night when I realised it’s exactly one month until Ravey starts school. I got all teary and stuck out my bottom lip until Si noticed and eventually asked what was up. Not sure why I didn’t just come out with it but I felt like wallowing for a minute in the sadness of it all.
Si was a bit baffled as to why all of a sudden it made me upset and the truth is I’m not sure either really.
There was something about the stark realisation and reality of exactly one month that hit me like a sucker punch. One month, just 31 days, and my boy will be heading off to school.
Ravey is my first born so it was always going to be heart wrenching watching him walk off into school for the first time but this has been made so much harder by the Covid 19 situation.
Ravey has been home and off from preschool for 5 months. That is such a big change for a 4 year old. Going back to preschool would have been hard enough but to expect him to just walk into a completely alien environment with no familiar faces after such a prolonged period of time is quite terrifying.
I’m worried that he will be scared and not want to go in, and with distancing measures we aren’t even able to take them in, we have to part at the gate. On the one hand I totally understand the rationale for this with limiting risk of infection but I also think it’s unfair and puts a lot of pressure on children who are already anxious and uncertain after months in lockdown.
Starting school is scary for kids and to not be able to be there to settle them makes me super anxious and also really upset.
If I’m honest I am sad for me as much as I am for him. Having him home all this time has been so hard but also wonderful. Watching him develop and bloom has been amazing and I really am going to miss him so much. It will be so strange not having him here and his sister is going to miss him incredibly. She’s at the stage where she cries for him when he is out of sight. She can deal with anything with him by her side.
Of course there is a part of me that also thinks and knows it will be a bit amazing. I will have time to actually get stuff done about the place. Having one to look after is much easier and it will be lovely to be able to give Roo some time with just me.
If I’m honest I also feel bad. I feel bad for all the times I’ve got cross with Ravey over these 5 months. I feel I should have treasured every moment, because now they are ending it fill me with dread. I feel bad that there have been many many times I have thought to myself “I can’t wait until he goes to school”, and I feel bad that a part of me still feels this way even though a massive part of me wants to keep him home.
With case numbers of coronavirus increasing again I am also wondering what is the right thing? Should I be sending him at all? I’m at home and he is only going to be in reception class there is an argument that he could easily be kept home until things are more settled.
The government says it’s mandatory for all children to return in September, but lots of people are choosing to homeschool. I’ve even considered whether we should, but in reality I just don’t think I have the capacity. I would get too frustrated. But at only 4 years old there is also the reality that having an extra year at home would probably do no harm.
Covid19 has robbed so many people of things. Loved ones, livelihoods and futures. I haven’t lost anyone and we have been largely sheltered from any issues but it doesn’t matter. It’s still OK to feel angry. To feel it has robbed us of an ordinary school start and progression. I haven’t lost anyone and am truly grateful for that but I am also allowed to wallow a bit and feel crappy about it all.
It’s so important that amongst all this I try to hold on to what I would feel under normal circumstances. The sadness, the loss, the fear and the reality that my boy is growing up. That this is normal.
Ravey has been talking about not wanting to grow up. He refused to pull up his trousers each time he went to the toilet today, laying on the floor and pushing all my fury buttons. I was beginning to get wound up but took a moment to collect myself and talked to him about it. He said he wanted me to do it. He liked me doing it. That he was “still a little boy”. He seems to be thinking about these things too.
He knows he needs to be independent for school and he is no doubt worried too. Hoping he can hold it off. He has spoken a lot the last few days about me remembering when he was in my belly. Wanting to see pregnancy and baby pictures.
Today whist Roo napped he sat in my lap for cuddles and wanted me to do ’round the garden’ and ‘this little piggy’ on his palm and his feet.
How I held him close and breathed in every bit of him. Smothered him in a silly amount of kisses. Squeezed him tight.
Coronavirus has taken so much of normal life away but it has also given me the gift of my little family all day, every day. Equally a blessing and a nightmare I am grateful for it. We will never get this again, and Ravey going to school means he will never have the same freedom and free time again.
The summer that seemed to last forever, lived within our homes and gardens in isolation from the world, will perhaps be the most special summer of all.
I’m going to miss you so much bubba. I am so proud of you.